In Small Doses
by Wesker Chick
Summary: A collection of one shot humor based in the Resident Evil universe. Expect updates as soon as I get off my lazy butt and write them. [Story 13 is up!]
1. Foreward

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in the following pages except the things that I thought of all on my own. Any name brands mentioned are purely accidental or on purpose and I own none of them. Resident Evil belongs to Capcom. Any other video game characters belong to their respective publishers. Anime characters do not belong to me either. Nor anything else, that belongs to someone else. There, I think I have all my bases covered now.

A/N: You're probably wondering what's up with the long Disclaimer. I don't feel like repeating it for every single page. Anyway…

As you have probably guessed this entire fic is a collection of one shots. Some are full on comic idiocy, some are a bit more realistic humor, and if I get an motivation maybe some romantic comedy as well. All are ideas I either am to lazy to develop into full stories, I couldn't think of a way to include them in any of my existing stories, or I just don't think they could make a full story on their own. So here they are.

Expect updates sporadically. Ideas are welcome.

W.C.


	2. Burger Bong

Jill leaned over the table carefully and examined the creation that lay before her. Even she had to admit that it was indeed, sheer perfection. At least in some strange and twisted way, that is. Chris looked up at her with excitement flickering through his eyes.

"See, what did I tell ya!"

"Well, it certainly is impressive." Jill commented, looking back at the object in question. "What the hell is it again?"

"_Double Double Bong Burger_." Chris picked up the sandwich , smiling broadly. "Four pieces of beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, double ketchup, and double mustard."

Jill shook her head as Chris took a bite out of his overly large burger. Good thing he worked out, especially considering how often he dragged her in here to eat. Otherwise he'd be the size of a house by now. Jill sighed, turning her attention to her own lunch. A small side salad, and a fries. She had just speared a rather large tomato when something, more interesting that Chris' sandwich caught her eye.

"Hey Chris…" She flicked her fork in the direction of a nearby table. "You're not gonna believe this."

Chris turned and glanced behind him, his mouth dropping open.

"Wow! Wesker never comes in here." Chris set his burger down, and turned back to Jill. "In fact this is like the first time I've actually seen him eat lunch."

Jill nodded as Wesker sat down with his back toward them. Either he was trying to ignore the two of them, or he didn't even realize they were there. Being rather curious, Jill did her best to catch a glimpse of what the Captain might be eating, but she wasn't having much luck.

"Hey guys!" Rebecca Chambers gave a small wave and sat down next to Jill. "You wouldn't believe what the Captain's eating! A frigging _Triple Triple Deluxe Bong-A-Roo_!"

"Damn that thing is like huge!" Chris marveled. "It's like doubling everything on a Double Double!"

"Maybe he's hungry?", Jill said, shrugging.

Jill was about to go back to her own lunch, when Chris snatched the fork out of her hand. Her head snapped up, ready to give Chris a bitching out he would never forget. Chris smirked and placed a finger over his lips, as he turned in the Captain's direction.

"He isn't going to do what I think he's going to do…is he?" Rebecca whispered.

Chris pulled the head of the fork back slightly then let it go, turning around quickly as the tomato flew through the air and hit the Captain in the back of the head.

"Apparently he is." Jill groaned.

Wesker's head snapped up and he looked around, an angry scowl on his face as he searched for the tomato thrower. Jill quickly bent her head over her salad, as Chris snickered to himself. Rebecca sent him a harsh look, but it didn't seem to diminish his snickering. In fact two seconds later, he grabbed Jill's only other tomato off of her salad. He smiled one of his good ole boy smiles, then flicked the tomato at Wesker. Like the one before, it slapped him in the back of the head. Wesker snapped his head up so fast, he dropped the burger on the table. Chris was laughing this time, while Jill and Rebecca made motions for him to shut up. He did indeed shut up, as a small cup of ketchup hit him square in the face.

"One good turn deserves another…Redfield." Wesker said with a smirk.

"Yes it does."

A second later a large patty of meat hit Wesker in the face. Wesker stood stock still as the meat patty slid down his face, leaving a trial of mustard and ketchup, and landed on the floor with a plop. Everyone was tense as Wesker turned his back toward them.

"Chris, that was down right…oh dear."

Rebecca put a hand over her mouth as the Captain dumped a large soda on Chris' head. Chris spun around, intent on nailing Wesker with his own soda, but the Captain managed to dodge and the soda instead hit some poor slob at the next table. And the war was on…

Jill and Rebecca ducked under the table as everything from fries to chili came sailing toward them. Within three minutes the entire restaurant was in the middle of a food fight. Wesker had in fact flipped his table on the side and was pelting Chris with pieces of his burger. Chris was standing by the soda machine throwing cups of ketchup. Every so often Jill and Rebecca would toss something in the general direction of wherever the food happened to be coming from at the time. Of course they were limited in there arsenal, as both of them had ordered side salads, and no one appeared to really care about pieces of lettuce. Then someone walked right in the middle of the barrage…

"Oh…" Rebecca moaned.

"Shit!" Jill finished, ducking back under the table.

Brian Irons was then pelted by both Chris and Wesker at the exact same time. A piece of meat slapped him in the face, from Wesker, and a small ketchup cup smacked him in the back of the head, from Chris. Both men were preparing for a second barrage, when they stopped dead in their tracks.

"Uh…Chief!" Chris said brightly, dropping a ketchup cup.

"Irons!" Wesker squeaked, dropping the rest of his burger.

"You…two!" Irons growled, wiping ketchup off his face.

"Whose gonna clean up this mess!!??" the manager shouted, running out from behind the counter.

"Oh I have the perfect people for this job." Irons grinned, looking at Wesker and Chris.

__

Ten minutes later…

"Um…excuse me where is the ketchup?" Brad Vickers asked, looking around.

"Right there!" the young crew member snapped as he mopped the floor.

"No need to get all nasty about it."

"Shut up Vickers."

Brad's mouth dropped open as the Captain looked up from his mopping. Two seconds later Chris emerged from behind the counter, also in a Burger Bong uniform, carrying a box of ketchup packets. Brad busted out laughing.

"Most cops do security for extra money…you two get a job at Burger Bong!" He wiped tears from his eyes. "Hey Richard you gotta see this!!"

Richard Aiken leaned forward from his table, and stared at Chris and the Captain. Then he too started laughing. Chris and Wesker turned a bright shade of scarlet and, while mumbling obscenities, went back to work.

Two days later a picture of Chris and Wesker in Burger Bong uniforms would show up on the bulletin board at the R.P.D. Though a thorough search was started, neither of them ever found out who snapped the picture. Soon after Brad took up photography as a hobby…


	3. Quiet Mountain Town

A small town in Washington state…

8:30 a.m.

Deputy Sheriff Robert Pauls walked down the hallway, sipping at his coffee. He was one of only five deputy sheriffs for the town. The town was rather small, which was just the way he liked it. Nothing ever happened around here more exciting than someone driving their tractor down Main St, or someone's cows getting loose. Just your typical mountain town…

"AHHHHHH!!!"

Robert damn near had a coronary right their on the spot. He dropped his coffee and ran for the Chief's office, where the scream was coming from. He met two other deputies at the door, like him, they all had a hand on their service revolvers.

"How could this happen?!"

Robert eased the door open and found the Chief, head down, staring at his desk.

"Sir? What's going on?" Pauls asked, walking into the office.

The Chief looked up and Pauls stared. The Chief's face was white as a sheet.

"Do you know what today is?" The chief's voice broke a little, as he snatched the calendar off his desk. "DO YOU KNOW IT'S JULY 23rd!!??"

The color drained out of every face in the room. Two deputies actually broke down into tears, one fainted. Pauls cleared is throat gaining control of himself.

"We still have time sir, if we act quickly."

"Yes. Call the fire department pull in everyone." The Chief climbed to his feet looking better than he had a few seconds ago. "I want every available person dragged in here. Secretaries, deputy coroner, everyone!"

Pauls nodded, running back into the hallway. How the hell could this have happened?! They usually had at least three days to get prepared.

"Hey, sir, what's going on?"

Pauls didn't even slow down, as he speed by one of the new deputies. He just grabbed him by the arm and dragged him along.

"Look, you're new in town, so you wouldn't know about what's going on. Let's just say, it's bad. We're about to be invaded."

"What, bikers, gangs…what?!" The deputy was just as freaked out as everyone else now.

"Worse…It's the Wesker Family Reunion."

David K. Wesker stood in the doorway of his home, and smirked. David was tall and still rather muscular, despite being almost sixty. His short cropped blonde hair still held no indication of turning gray.

The Wesker men were know for their smirks, and David was no exception. In fact he prided himself on being perhaps the most sadistic and evil member of the Wesker clan. Of course this was greatly contested by every other member of the Wesker family. Especially at family gatherings where the participants may have had a wee bit too much to drink. David was a semi-retired double agent. He'd crossed and double-crossed so many different governments, he wasn't entirely sure just whose side he happened to be on at the moment.

A cruel grin spread across his face as a loud siren pierced the morning. He watched as cars speed past his home, more than likely heading out of town.

"Sounds like the Chief was late this year."

"Yea, guess he wasn't paying attention to the calendar."

David laughed, a sound which would send chills down the back of any normal man. But didn't in the least phase the slim woman who emerged from the kitchen. Christina Lynn Wesker was tall and willowy and like her husband did not show that she too was approaching the age of sixty. She walked over to her husband to watch the various citizenry flee the area. Though she had married into the Wesker family, like all the Wesker clan she too was downright evil. In fact she was a retired IRS agent…what could be more evil than that?

"You think Alexandra will make it this year?"

"She'd better, we do have rules you know." David snapped, watching the cars go by at top speed. "She already missed last years reunion."

"Well, dear she was stationed at the island you know." Christina said, patting her husband on the back. "I'm sure she'll make it this year."

David grunted in reply as a large black BMW pulled to a stop in front of the house. His eyes narrowed, as the door opened and produced a tall muscular young man with slicked back blonde hair.

"Albie!!" Christina shouted, running over to the young man. "I'm so glad you made it!"

"Hello mother." Albert Wesker replied, sounding downright cold and evil.

"Don't take that tone with me young man." Christina snapped. "Now take off those sunglasses and let me have a look at you."

Albert groaned, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. "Mom, we've…OWW!"

Albert rubbed at the side of his head, where his mother had just slapped him with a spatula. Her eyes hardened as she shook the spatula under his nose.

"I don't care how bio-genetically enhanced you are Albert Roy Wesker!! You will take off those sunglasses and give me a hug!" She slapped him again for emphasis. "Do you understand me?!"

"Yes ma'm." Albert took off his sunglasses, pushing them to the top of his head.

"That's better." Christina said, giving her son a hug. "Now, what have you been up to?"

"Oh revenge against Umbrella, stealing virus data, aggravating Alexandra…" Albert shrugged. "The usual."

"Your sister gonna make the reunion this year?" David shouted, walking down toward his wife and son. "She missed last year you know."

"She should."

Albert was a bit nervous. Despite the fact that the Wesker family tried their damndest every year to kill each other at the family reunions, they never lied to each other. They'd lie and betray everyone else, but never family. _Bend the truth but never break it._ The Wesker family motto, when it came to dealing with family. So if Mom or Dad asked what Alexandra was doing, Albert would have to tell them their baby girl had broken the first rule of the Wesker clan…and turned into a good guy.

However Albert was saved from revealing this small truth when a large limo pulled to a stop in front of the house.

"I suppose that would be the twins." David eyed the limo in much the same way he had eyed the BMW earlier. "At least Albert drove himself."

"Now, Dear, you know the twins like being subtly evil. It's only natural they would want to be driven around."

David grunted , as the door opened revealing two tall thin young men with the same blonde hair as the rest of the Wesker family. Identical twins, David and Christina's middle children, Bobby and Billy Wesker. They adjusted their ties and strutted over to their parents. Albert rolled his eyes at this display. They always strutted around like roosters, just because they worked for Microsoft. In fact Billy was personally responsible for designing the infamous _Blue Screen of Death._ Bobby was currently designing the new Windows 2005, should be quite evil when he got done with it.

"Albert, how you doing?" Bobby asked, eyeing him. "Still working for the HCF?"

"I am." Albert said rather curtly. "Still being the bane of the computer world I see."

"Always." Bobby always was the more talkative of the two twins, even when they were younger. "Alexandra here yet."

"Not yet. C'mon let's get the car loaded and head over to the park." David said, walking back toward the house.

10:30 a.m.

Alexandra Aaron Wesker, drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. She'd been trying to get through this road block for half an hour now. Of course she appeared to be the only one actually wanting to get into town at this point, hence the reason she was waiting, everyone else was trying to get out. She sighed, glancing out the window…

"Babe, why the hell do you have to go?"

"Chris, I told you. I've already missed one reunion, I have to go to this one, it's a rule."

Alex sighed, shoving several articles of clothing into a large suitcase. She also shoved two boxes of ammunition into the suitcase as well.

"Ah…is there a reason you need ammo for the berretta?" Chris Redfield glanced into the suitcase. "And the magnum?"

"Trust me, I need it. You've never seen one of our family reunions." Alex slipped into her S.T.A.R.S. uniform. "Of course we haven't had a fatality since Aunt Dottie shot cousin Max for eating the last hotdog. That may change though after Mom and Dad find out I work for S.T.A.R.S. and that I'm dating you."

"Do you really have to tell them?" Chris was extremely perplexed by this whole idea of Alex going to a family reunion. "Can't you just lie?"

"Can't lie to family. Bend the truth, but never break it. _Family motto. If they come right out and ask, I have to tell them."_

"I can go with you."

Alex smiled and kissed Chris on the cheek. "Sorry babe, but we ain't married. If we were I could drag you along, otherwise no outsiders." She hefted the suitcase up by the strap, slipped on her sunglasses and headed for the door. "No worries honey, I'll be back."

Alex snapped out of her thoughts, as she finally pulled up in front of the road block. A tall gangly looking deputy approached her truck. The deputy leaned down, one hand on the roof of the car.

"Sorry ma'm no one allowed inside the city limits. You'll have to turn around."

Alex moaned softly to herself. She'd found the one deputy in town that didn't recognize her. And here she thought every cop knew the entire Wesker family by sight alone.

"Look deputy, I'll be fine, see." She pointed to the S.T.A.R.S. insignia on her left shoulder. "I think I can handle whatever is going on."

"Sorry ma'm, under orders here."

"Look." Alex pulled out her wallet, flipping it open to show her S.T.A.R.S. badge and ID. Of course the last name was listed at Katz, not Wesker. "See all legal."

"Ma'm I can't let you…"

"What's going on Bates?" Pauls walked toward the deputy and the stopped Silverado. "Get that car turned around."

"I'm trying sir, but she claims to be a S.T.A.R.S. member and insists on getting into town."

Pauls sighed, and leaned into the window. "Look girl, I don…"

"Well, well, Robbie!" Alex smirked. "Mom's gonna be pissed if I don't get there soon."

Robert Pauls turned three shades of white, and finally motioned the truck through.

"Thanks Robbie!" Alex gave a small wave as she drove through the roadblock. "I'll be sure to let Dad know how much help you were!!"

Pauls, shook his head as the truck pulled out of sight.

"Who the hell was that?" Bates looked completely dumbfounded at this point.

"Alexandra Wesker, the youngest of David and Christina's kids…and Albert's favorite sibling." Pauls groaned. "If she works for S.T.A.R.S. now, things are gonna get lively."

11:23 a.m.

By this time the entire Wesker clan had assembled in the City Park. Fifteen members of the family sat around a table, eating and drinking. Each one identified by their blonde hair and smirks. Each one was evil and malicious. Having such jobs as contract killers, gun runners, and politicians. The only one missing at this point was Alexandra. Something that each of the family members had already commented on at great length. A fact which David was quite pissed about.

"Maybe she's running late?" Michael Wesker said, spearing a large tomato. Michael was in fact head of operations for AOL. "Takes a while to get here from an island you know."

"I didn't think she still worked for Umbrella." Shawn Wesker's Irish accent was quite thick. Apparently he'd spent way too long working for the IRA.

"Albert is that true?" Christina asked, turning toward her oldest son. "Is she not working for Umbrella anymore?"

Albert gagged on his beer, coughing. "Yea, she…ah…doesn't work for Umbrella anymore." Silently only one thought ran through his head…_Please don't ask who she works for now….Please don't ask who she works for now…_

However, before his mother had a chance to interrogate him further, a large black Silverado pulled to a stop behind Olivia Wesker's small black Mustang. The family had a thing for black cars. Seconds later a tall thin woman with an athletic build and med length blonde hair stepped out. She glanced around for a moment, adjusted the shoulder holster she was wearing, and marched toward the gathering.

"Is that a cop?" Maria Wesker asked, pulling a berretta from her boot. Maria was as paranoid as they came, probably all those long hours she put in working in Area 51.

"That does look like a S.T.A.R.S. insignia on the uniform." April Wesker said, craning around to catch a glimpse of the intruder. April was one of the most conniving Hollywood producers you'd ever find.

As the figure moved closer, it was revealed that she did indeed have on a blue S.T.A.R.S. uniform. She was also carrying a magnum in a shoulder rig, and a berretta in a thigh holster. David scowled a bit as it become obvious to everyone, that the approaching cop was none other than his missing daughter Alexandra.

"Sorry I'm late." Alex pushed her sunglasses up, reveling a pair of yellow eyes. The exact same as her dear big brother. "Damn cops wouldn't let me though the road block."

"Alexandra, please tell me you wore that uniform to get past the roadblock." David growled, as several family members pulled guns.

"Ah…well…that is…"

"She's a cop now!" Albert slurred. He'd been drinking since around 10:00 that morning, and had in fact downed three more beers in the last two minutes. "She works for S.T.A.R.Sssss"

Alex remained calm even as the sound of at least ten guns being cocked echoed in the park. She was prepared for this reaction, and had a plan…a Wesker always had a plan.

"Yea, I'm a cop now, but I'm still evil and sneaky." She flipped a hand to her drunken brother. "Big deal."

"Yea and and she ssshot at me to." Albert was really getting into this now. Revenge is sweet indeed.

"Alexandra! Did you shoot at your brother?!" Christina Wesker jumped to her feet, pulling a MP-5 from under the table.

Alex rubbed at the bridge of her nose, Albert always was mother's favorite. "Yes, Mom, I did shoot at him. But he attacked me first."

"You attacked little Alex!" David had by this time grabbed Albert by the shirt. Bet you can guess which one was David's favorite.

"How was I supposed to know she was on that island!" Wesker yelled, sobering up rather fast. "I mean I thought she might have been, but I didn't know for sure!"

"Oh yea right." Alex snapped. "You knew full well I was there. And what did you do?! You just dropped your little bombs all over the place, and _WHAM!_" Alex slammed her hands together for emphasis. "I'm back in the middle of an outbreak."

"Well at least _I_ didn't drop a ton of pipes on your head!" But this time, Albert had wriggled out of his father's grip and was now glaring at Alex.

Alex slammed her hands on the table, knocking a bowel of potato salad into Brook Wesker's lap.

"Hey!" Brook shouted, wiping potato salad off of her three piece suit. "I'm gonna sue you for that!" She probably would too, being a lawyer and all.

"Kiss off Brook." Alex snapped, before turning her attention back to Albert. "And who was it, that threw whom into a cryogenic tube!!?? Or better yet, who threw whom through a wall?!"

"Things are deteriorating much faster than last year." Olivia, the gun runner, mumbled to her brother.

"That's probably because Alex wasn't here last year. Things are always more lively when she's around." Baker Wesker, the mob hitman, mumbled back.

"That is a good point Baker." Paul, the used car salesmen and brother to Olivia and Baker, mumbled.

"Think they'll be any shooting?" Marcus Wesker looked down right excited at the thought. He certainly was one of the strangest of the Wesker clan. Guess you needed to be strange to be a politician.

"More than likely."

Fawn sounded board with the whole thing. Of course Fawn normally sounded board with anything that didn't immediately pertain to her. She ran four crooked casino's out in Vegas, which she used to launder money for both the mob and the CIA.

12:32 p.m.

By this time things had indeed deteriorated. In fact Albert and Alex had been in the middle of an argument for the better part of an hour. Apparently it was over who had betrayed whom first on Rockfort Island. Alex claimed it was Albert.

"DID TO!" screamed Alex.

"DID NOT!!" yelled Albert.

"DID TO!!"

"DID NOT!!

"DID TO, DID TO!!"

"DID NOT DID NOT!!"

"DID TOO, TO INFINITY!!"

"I…ah…" Wesker tried in vain to come up with a response, while Alex smirked.

"No you two settle down." David pushed both kids into chairs. "Alex you have some explaining to do."

Alex took a deep breath and started from the beginning…

2:30 p.m.

"So I dropped some iron girders on his head." Alex sipped at her beer. "Then I flew off with Chris and Claire and now I work for S.T.A.R.S. trying to overthrow Umbrella and the HCF."

By this time at least half of the Wesker clan had fallen asleep, the rest of them looked a bit glassy-eyed. David cleared his throat.

"So you're a goo…goo…" David took a deep breath. "good guy now?" The mere uttering of those three little words appeared to take a lot out of him.

"Kinda. I mean everything I do against Umbrella and the HCF is illegal, and if I'm caught I suppose I'll be tortured and killed." Alex thought for a moment. "Of course I've already been killed once."

"I had nothing to do with that!" Albert figured it was better to head is father off, before he jumped to any conclusions. "She wasn't even attacking the HCF when that happened!!"

"Yea, it was an Umbrella installation…damn tyrants."

"Wait, it was a tyrant?" Albert appeared a bit shocked. "Where did you get the virus?"

"Umbrella captured me, then injected me with a copy of the virus you got from Birkin. While I was busy shooting Umbrella guys, someone released a tyrant, and I got skewered." Alex pulled her shirt down a bit to show off the scars. "See my nifty scars."

"I got one of those too." Albert unbuttoned his shirt, showing off similar scars.

The rest of the family stared on, looking confused.

"So has she broken the family rule or not?" Billy asked, speaking for the first time since arriving that morning.

"Well, what she does is illegal, and I suppose murdering all those people is rather evil. You still smirk right?" Christina asked, passing her daughter another beer.

"Of course. Plus I break the rules all the time and I've personally assassinated at least three people. Not to mention all the times I've tried to kill Albert."

"Yea, you've shot me like six times now." Albert was currently trying to get sloshed again. "And you blew me up twice."

"Really I thought I only shot you five times…" Alex pondered for a moment, as the rest of the family moved off to engage in some kind of bonding activity.

8:45 p.m.

Alex leaned against the over turned table, wondering just what the hell had gone wrong. Here she was in the middle of Washington State, fending off at least 10 of the 15 relatives that had come to the reunion, and just who did she have on her side? A very drunken Albert, who just happened not to bring a gun with him.

Of course this thing had gotten started over a petty argument about just who was the most evil of the clan. Happened every year. The real dispute had started when Albert had nominated Alex, because she'd pretty much double crossed everyone and was now both evil and a good guy. And thus the war had started…

"Albert! Get your ass up and help me!" Alex grabbed her brother by the shirt and shook him. "I swear if I die Chris will kick your ass later!!"

"AHHHHH!!"

Alex really had to smile, that was the best plan she'd ever had. Just mentioning Chris had sent Albert into a homicidal, if not slightly drunken, rage. He leaped the table and went bounding off, heading straight for Olivia and Baker.

Alex slapped another clip into her berretta while listening to the sounds of bones breaking. "Hey Albie! I think you can…"

Suddenly the park was flooded with sirens and spotlights.

"Wow, they're getting quicker…"

10:30 p.m.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!??" Marcus screamed as he was tossed into the cell.

"Yea yea, we know." Pauls mumbled, rubbing at his temples.

"You're slipping Robbie, last time it only took two SWAT Teams to stop us. This year you had to call in four SWAT teams and two S.T.A.R.S. units." David said, lighting a cigarette. "By the way, thanks for letting Alexandra through the roadblock."

"No problem." Pauls then turned his attention the handcuffed Albert and Alexandra. Well, perhaps chained with logging chains and several stands of high tensile wire was more accurate. "And you two! Do you know how many men you injured!?"

"I got lest ten." Albert slurred, nodding to himself. "aLex only got two…heh"

"You lying bastard!" Alex yelled, snapping the logging chain. "I got at least seven of those damn S.T.A.R.S. members!"

"Oh yea!" Albert then snapped his own set of chains, and staggered toward Alex. "Well I kicked them S.T.A.R.S. people's asses!!"

"If it had been my team…YOU'D HAVE BEEN THE ONE GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED!!"

At this point, the cell block turned into a giant free for all. Albert jumped Alex. David managed to pick the lock on his cell, and jumped Deputy Pauls. Several SWAT officers, at least the ones that weren't already in the hospital thanks to the Wesker Clan, were jumped by Christina, Fawn, and Billy. Every other member of the Wesker clan then jumped any remaining cop they could find, and if a cop wasn't readily available they jumped each other.

"I'M GONNA RING YOUR NECK!!" Albert yelled, trying to throttle his sister. "THAT'S FOR DATING MY ARCH-ENEMY!!"

"OH YEA!!" Alex slammed a knee into Albert's stomach and threw him through a wall. "THAT'S FOR TRYING TO GET MY ASS SHOT OFF BACK AT THE PARK!!

The fight eventually spilled out of the police station and into the street. By this time, most of the cops had given up trying to stop the fight and were in fact trying not to get the shit kicked out of themselves…

The next morning…

"I'm here to pick up Alexandra Wesker." Chris had gotten a call about 3:00 that morning to come and bail Alex out of jail.

Pauls looked up, sporting two black eyes, and a swelling lip. "You Chris Redfield?"

"Yea, she alright?"

"Is she alright…IS SHE ALRIGHT??!! Hell man, she beat up half the damn SWAT Team outta Seattle, then proceeded to kick the shit out of a S.T.A.R.S. Team from Nevada!" Pauls shook his head, and pointed toward what was left of the cell block. "She's back there."

Chris gave Pauls a rather strange look, and wandered into the cell block. Then he stopped dead in his tracks and stared. Alexandra was sitting calmly, playing poker with Albert . She glanced up and smiled, displaying a split lip and a rather large bruise on her left cheek.

"Hey there babe! Did Pauls call you to come bail me out?"

Chris nodded slowly.

"You look bad Redfield, you feeling alright?" Albert asked, looking up. His eyes were red, and he too was sporting a couple black eyes.

"I…I…I…" To say Chris was confused, would be an understatement.

"Oh Alex, is this Chris?" Christina stuck her head out of the adjoining cell. Her hair was tousled and her right arm was in a sling. Apparently Olivia had shot her the previous night. "He's very handsome."

"He is evil, yes." David stuck his head out of the cell, looking at Chris up and down. "Well, boy, you evil?"

"Yes Dad, he's evil." Alex quickly popped the cell open and stepped out. "In fact Dad, he isn't even a registered S.T.A.R.S. member. So basically every mission he goes on is illegal."

"Splendid!"

Chris was still wearing his stupid look as David reached out and shook his hand. Then he glanced around and pulled him close to the bars. "You hurt my little girl and Albert won't be the only Wesker you have to contend with. You understand me boy?"

"Yes sir." Chris swallowed carefully, and stepped back from the cell. "Ah…Alex, shall we go."

"Sure. Catch ya later Albert." Alex gave her brother a little wave and dragged a very confused Chris out of the police station.

"Alex, does this happen often?" He asked, opening the door of his S-10. The Silverado was all shot to hell, and wouldn't be drivable until after some major repairs.

"You mean the fighting thing? Every year." Alex climbed into the truck, wincing slightly at the gun shot wound she'd received in the thigh.

"Alright. Remind me not to ever come one of your family reunions."

"Why not? I think you'd like it. Besides no one ever gets killed anymore, we made a rule."

Chris just shook his head and drove out of town.

It would take a week to get everything in town back to normal. And of course fail-safes were added so that their would be no more surprise invasions. The Wesker clan dispersed and went on with their lives. In fact Albert and Alex were back to being enemies only two days later. But come July 23 next year they will gather once more and as usual will tear the town to pieces…


	4. Mystery Meat

Chris looked down at his desk and grimaced. He really didn't wanna follow though with this, but damn he was hungry. He sighed, poking at the slab of beef with his fork. Actually he wasn't even sure it was beef, more of a meat-like substance.

"Yuck…damn cafeteria food."

"You only have yourself to blame." Jill chided, straightening up her desk. "It was your own fault for getting banned from Burger Bong."

"Don't remind me."

Chris was still poking at his mystery meat, trying to work up enough nerve to actually take a bite, when Richard and Rebecca moseyed in.

"What in the hell do you call that?" Richard leaned over Chris' desk, looking at the tray.

"I think the menu said it was Salisbury Steak."

"Looks more like road kill to me."

"Is that supposed to be a carrot?" Rebecca pointed to a small shriveled vegetable laying near the meat patty.

"I'm not exactly sure." Chris turned the plate slightly to get a better look at the so called carrot.

"You're not actually going to eat that are you?" Richard asked, shuddering.

"Not like I have a choice, I'm starving."

"I have never been that hungry…ever."

"Maybe you should like test it on something." Rebecca said thoughtfully.

"Yea, or someone you don't like." Jill muttered, filing several papers.

10 minutes later…

Chris peeked around the corner. Everything was ready, all thy were waiting on was the test subject.

"Oww! Richard you're on my foot!"

"Sorry Jill."

"Will you two hush up, here he comes!"

Chris quickly pulled his head back around the corner, as Captain Wesker entered the hallway. His footsteps were heavy and even as he approached the S.T.A.R.S. office. Chris' heart actually skipped a beat, for a moment it sounded like the captain was going to bypass the office and walk right into them. Chris risked a glance, and breathed a sigh of relief as the Captain disappeared into the office.

"Alright, let's go." Chris lead the way followed by Rebecca, Jill, and Richard.

Imagine if you will, for a minute, a Warner Bros. Cartoon. Picture in your head four little cartoon mice tiptoeing their way into a kitchen. Now substitute the mice for our four S.T.A.R.S. members, and you'll have a pretty good idea what the scan looks like.

Chris leaned carefully around the corner, and scanned the office.

"He's at his desk right now."

"What the hell is this?"

Our poor unfortunate victim had finally spotted the lunch, which just happened to have a small note attached.

[_We heard about the Burger Bong incident. Enjoy!!_]

Now Captain Wesker, as you may already know, is not a stupid person. Nor is he very gullible. I mean just look at his background: scientist, S.TA.R.S. captain, Umbrella employee, not to mention soon to be HCF employee. However, despite all that intelligence, he was still stupid enough to take a bite of the suspicious lunch.

"He's actually…uh…oh…"

"What does _uh oh_ mean?"

If Jill would have been able to see around Chris' head, she'd have known exactly what _uh oh_ meant. Our esteemed Captain, and resident treacherous bastard, was having an issue or two with his lunch. Ok, perhaps _issue_ isn't a strong enough term…_crisis in the making_ would probably better describe the situation. After somehow getting down the first bite, Wesker had in fact cut a second piece of the so called Salisbury Steak. Maybe he's a sadist, who knows? But before he could even piece off the plate, the first piece hit bottom like a lead sinker.

"Ohh…." Wesker clutched his stomach, looking ill.

"Uh…Rebecca he's turning green."

Chris was not exaggerating, Wesker was turning a sickly shade of green. Mustering up a bit of courage Chris stepped around the corner.

"Sir, are you…"

Wesker bolted out of the chair like someone had lit his ass on fire. He rushed past Chris, knocking him down, one hand over his mouth.

"I hope he makes it to the bathroom." Rebecca looked a bit worried.

"So do I." Richard said, pulling Chris to his feet.

"Hi Captain…oh man you don'…AHHHH!!"

The four conspirators looked at each other, then slowly opened the door to the hallway. The site that greeted them…well, it wasn't pretty. Wesker was leaning against the wall hand still over his mouth looking ill, and poor Forest was wearing what appeared to be Wesker's breakfast. Chris was the first one to speak.

"Ok in retrospect…this plan was a bad idea."

* * *

Poor Captain Wesker would spend three days out sick due to food poisoning. It was later discovered that the Salisbury steak was actually two year old hoarse meat, bought when the R.P.D. had been having a budget crisis. I should be noted that Chris started carrying his lunch to work after this incident…


	5. Emotional Moments

Jill was mad. Ok, maybe _mad _wasn't the right word, pissed would probably more accurately describe how she was feeling as she walked into the S.T.A.R.S. office that morning. In fact, she'd been pissed all weekend. And just what was the object of her irate mood? Two words…Christopher Redfield.

Jill slammed the file drawer shut and slumped into her chair. She was determined to wipe Friday night from her memory and forget Chris had ever asked her out in the first place. She bent over the file, absently chewing on her pen, while she attempted to focus on anything that would keep her mind off of the disastrous evening two days ago.

"Men are complete and total idiots who deserve to die hideous torturous deaths!!" Rebecca screamed, before slamming several files on her desk and falling into her chair. "They are the bane of human kind!"

"As much as I agree with that statement, I have to wonder what on earth you are so mad about?"

Jill turned in her chair to get a better look at the young S.T.A.R.S. medic. Rebecca's normal cheerful face was screwed up into a hideous contortion of rage. She looked ready to kill the next man she saw.

"Mad does not even come near to how I'm feeling and it's all Richard's fault." Rebecca mumbled a few obscenities, Jill wouldn't have thought Rebecca even knew, then took a deep breath. "You would not believe what that idiot did last Friday."

"Seems last Friday wasn't a good day for anybody. Chris totally ruined my night." Jill's anger, which had subsided a bit, now blew back in full force. "The little insensitive moron."

"All men are insensitive idiots!" Rebecca proclaimed loud enough that people on the first floor could hear. "That is the last time I ever go to the movies with Richard."

"Movies?"

"Yea, I wanted to see Titanic, since I missed it at the theaters when it was first released. The Rave downtown was having a big re-release of it Friday. So I figured, _why not_? Why not indeed." Rebecca sighed, rubbing at the bridge of her nose. "You know that part where Rose is in the middle of the ocean and she has to pry Jack's hand off of her's and it makes that sorta _crunch sploit _sound?"

Jill nodded, already realizing where this was going. In fact she was exceptionally sure she knew exactly what was going to happen next…it was the same thing Chris had done.

"Well Richard just starts laughing!" Rebecca's urged to kill flashed back into her eyes. "And of course some idiot like four rows back starts laughing along with him…I was so embarrassed."

"You and me both." Jill muttered, as Rebecca looked at her with a confused expression. "Chris was the idiot four rows back."

"You're kidding!"

Jill shook her head. "Not at all. He could have at least been as considerate as the Captain and fallen asleep."

"Wesker was there?" Rebecca's confusion was growing. "Where?"

"Just two rows down from us, with some blonde lady and a kid. I've seen her around the station a couple times, her husband is some hot shot researcher with Umbrella." Jill leaned forward looking right then left. "He was snoring."

Jill and Rebecca then broke down into a fit of giggles, which seemed to make them both feel a bit better.

"How about we head to the break room, I think there is some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream still in there from Forest's Birthday party last week."

Rebecca nodded eagerly. "You bet."

The girls headed out the door and down the hall to the first floor break room. Both of them discussing, at length, how insensitive men were about emotional moments such as the one from the movie. In the five minutes it took to get to the break room hallway they had decided that men had no idea how to react to sensitive moments such as those, in fact they had concluded that both men had more than likely laughed when Mufasa died in the Lion King.

They were no more than ten steps away from the break room when a loud shout stopped them dead in their tracks…

"Captain! What the hell are you doing!?"

Both women looked at each other in shock. Neither of them had ever heard Chris so frazzled.

"Shut-up!" There was a short pause as the girls stood rooted to the spot. "Ack! Redfield let go of me!"

Wesker sounded worried, and pissed. The girls took a tentative step forward. They jumped when Richard's voice boomed from the break room.

"Captain stop…YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HER!!"

Both women reached for their guns, and sprinted for the door. Three voices in unison then echoed in the hallway, making the women's blood run cold.

"AHHH…SHE'S DEAD!"

The girls kicked the door in, expecting to see Wesker holding a weapon, Chris maybe holding his arms or something in an effort to restrain him, Richard standing off to the side looking shocked, and a dead body on the floor. What they found, was three grown men sitting on the break room's couch, staring at the TV screen. Jill looked at Rebecca who shrugged. They lowered their weapons and inched closer.

The scene that was playing was a dated cut scene from a video game. Jill craned her head around and spotted the game's case laying on the floor by the PS2, Final Fantasy VII. Wesker was still holding the controller, Chris had a hold of Wesker's wrists, and Richard was sitting on the floor. All three of them were balling like four year olds over some chick who had just been impaled by some white haired guy.

Jill cleared her throat, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. All three men jumped, then turned around slowly…

Several days later Wesker, Chris, and Richard escorted Jill and Rebecca to the movies. Blackmail was a great inducement for the boys not to make a single sound while they watched _Save the Last Dance_…


	6. Undercover Blues

"My feet hurt."

"Shut-up Redfield."

Captain Wesker was not happy and listening to Chris moan and groan about his feet was not improving his mood in the slightest. Wesker hated working undercover even under the best of conditions, which this current assignment did not fall under. Irons knew he hated undercover work which was the exact reason Wesker currently found himself standing on a street corner in the middle of Raccoon's "Red Light" district. He suspected Irons was still pissed about getting hit in the face with that meat patty a few months back.

In all honesty it should have been some beat cop standing out here waiting for this damn asshole to show up, or at the very least Jill and/or Rebecca. Unfortunately Jill, Rebecca, and everyone else was at a seminar in LA. Everyone that is except himself, Chris, and Brad. Brad was in a run down looking van across the street. Even Wesker wasn't dumb enough to put him out here on the street, besides the fact the Irons had ordered him to taken an _active participation_ in this stupid operation.

And just what where they standing out here waiting for? Some two-bit hustler who was hitting up the locals for protection money, and when they didn't pay up they got hurt. Well, to be more precise, he was hitting up the local streetwalkers for money…

"Captain…"

"Redfield…" Wesker growled, narrowing his eyes. "Please bear in mind we are undercover."

"Oh geez, I totally forgot." Chris shook his head, the sarcasm thick. "Alright then…_Honey_…how long are going to stand out here?"

Wesker groaned, pushing a stray strand of blonde hair out of his face. Did Chris actually think he enjoyed standing out here on a street corner dressed like this!? Because he didn't!

Chris sighed, shifting uncomfortably in the four inch spike heels. His leather mini skirt was riding up and his tube top kept slipping down, threatening to reveal his fake boobs. He also had no unearthly clue how women managed to wear strapless bras properly, let alone the damn pantyhose. Wesker wasn't fairing any better in a skin tight blood red mini dress, fishnet hose, and six inch black thigh boots. Both had on wigs. Wesker's was blonde, straight, and reached down to his waist. Chris' was a deep brown, curly, and reached his shoulders.

A couple of the female patrol officers, under a swearing of secrecy, had helped them both pad their bras. Despite the situation, Chris couldn't help but notice Wesker was rather…_busty. _Chris knew Wesker had to be sporting a D cup, he just had to be in order to look that big. Chris had only been given a B cup, due to the fact it was the only strapless bra they could find on such short notice.

The only good thing to come out of this entire fiasco so far, as far as Chris was concerned anyway, was that he had finally gotten to see Wesker's eyes sans sunglasses. He really wasn't surprised to see they were blue.

Wesker shifted his stance a bit, brushing at yet another strand of hair. Chris elbowed Wesker and nodded toward a dark blue sedan heading toward them. The sedan slowed and finally stopped in front of the sign post Chris was leaning against.

"Hey there ladies." The man was young, probably a collage student. "You girls looking for some fun."

Wesker groaned to himself. Three hours and this was the fourth proposition they'd had to deal with. The young man eyed them both rather hungrily and finally settled his gaze on Wesker, much to his horror.

"I don't think you'd like the price." Chris purred, in a high voice. Wesker damn near gagged.

"I don't want you." The man sneered, never taking his eyes off of Wesker. "I like the _big _girls."

Wesker seriously thought about pulling his gun and shooting the guy…he really did. Chris made an audible _harrumph _sound and turned his attention back to the street.

"Sorry buddy, I'm on break." Wesker did manage to sound somewhat feminine, although he didn't purr.

"You're lose, cause I'm a tiger." The man waved and pulled away.

"Honey, how much longer are we going to stand out here?"

"Shut-up _Candy_."

Seconds later another car pulled to a stop. This time the man behind the wheel was older, perhaps mid-thirties. He stepped out of the car and walked toward them. He was dressed in a sharp suit and his manner simply oozed money. They guy had bucks and he was out picking up streetwalkers, how quaint.

"Well, I haven't seen you fine women out here before." The man eyed them both, then draped and arm around Wesker's shoulders.

"We're new." Wesker snorted, still trying to sound feminine.

"I can see that, and quite a lovely pair as well. My name is Kain and I run this part of _The Strip_" He smirked, putting his other arm around Chris' waist.

At this point neither S.T.A.R.S. member was too thrilled with the situation. It should be mentioned that Brad, from his perfect view point in the van, thought the whole thing was hilarious.

"Now if you lovely ladies want to work this corner, you are more than welcome to." Kain moved slightly and patted Wesker on the butt. "But you're going to have to pay some _property taxes_."

Wesker turned three shades of red and was so close to pulling his gun it wasn't even funny. The man had patted him on the butt! Chris leaned forward looking at Wesker closely. Both of them knew they needed just a little more before they could arrest him.

"And if we don't wan to pay?" Chris purred again.

Kain smirked, running a finger up Wesker's back before resting a meaty paw on the back of his neck. Wesker somehow restrained his urge to stab him in the head with his boot.

"Well than, as they say, accidents happen." He smirked again, pulling Chris in closer. "You just ask Kiki what I'm talking about."

That was all they needed. Kiki, aka Linda Devin, had refused to pay the extortion and landed in the hospital with a broken arm and several broken ribs. Wesker nodded toward Chris.

"Alright Mr. Kent you are under arrest for extortion and assault."

Wesker pulled his badge from his bra, flashing it at Kent. Kent turned, pushing Chris into Wesker. Chris lost his footing and hit the sidewalk in a spread eagle position. Kent bypassed his car and took off like a rabbit on speed down the sidewalk. Wesker stumbled after him, trying to grab his gun from under his dress.

"Brad get your ass out here!!"

Wesker was doing quite well for a man who was running in six inch heels. Brad came bounding out of the van, bypassed Chris and ran down the sidewalk after Kent. Wesker finally gave up trying to get the gun and made a running dive for Kent. They hit the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. Kent grabbed for Wesker's hair and pulled the wig clean off.

"Ahhh…YOU'RE A MAN!!"

"No shit."

Kent drove a knee into Wesker's stomach causing him to fall backwards gasping for air. Brad showed up seconds later, followed closely by a stumbling Chris. Brad trained his gun on Kent.

"Please don't make me shoot you."

Getting Kent in handcuffs was much easier than Wesker had anticipated, after the sprint the guy had just made. Brad lead him back to the van, while Chris and Wesker stumbled along the sidewalk.

"You lost your hair Captain." Chris handed Wesker his wig.

"Thanks." Wesker mumbled, shoving the wig back on his head. Though he didn't sound very happy about getting it back.

* * *

Several days later pictures of Wesker and Chris standing on the street corner showed up on the Police bulletin board. Both of the them were pissed, but never figured out who had done it.

Neither of them ever suspected Brad, who made a quick buck selling several prints to various officers of both the female and male persuasion.


	7. The Really Really Really Late Halloween ...

A/N: Yes I know Halloween is over but what the hell…I'm slow.

Chris and the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team stood around the R.P.D. lobby waiting patiently for the Captain to get there. Each of them were dressed in some kind of Halloween outfit. It was customary for a group of cops to take some of the social services kids out trick-or-treating. Since the S.T.A.R.S. did have any current assignments at the moment they got picked. Of course several of the S.T.A.R.S. members had to hold down the fort just in case. Irons had required Wesker go along. Chris thought it was a cute idea plus the kids got a kick out of it and the R.P.D. got some great PR, everybody won.

"I wonder where he is." Jill walked over, her heels clicking loudly on the marble floor. "The kids are gonna be here any minute."

Chris shrugged. "Who knows."

Jill sighed adjusting her leather bodice. Her and Chris had gotten together about their outfits and decided to play the two main characters from Devil May Cry. Jill was dressed as Trish, Chris was going as Dante. Rebecca bounced over looking rather cute in her Sailor Moon costume. Trudging along behind her was Brad dressed like Sora from Kingdom Hearts. Standing off to the side was Richard dressed like Tuxedo Mask, talked into it by Rebecca. Forest was the last person who wound up getting talked into the Halloween outing, though he really liked stuff like this. He was dressed as Spike from Cowboy Bebop. All of them had their badges hung around their necks.

(Apparently the S.T.A.R.S. team is obsessed with Anime and video games, who knew?)

Chris checked his watch for the hundredth time. Where the hell was Wesker? Seconds later the doors opened and twenty kids came streaming in, laughing. As soon as they spotted the S.T.A.R.S. team their squeals of delight doubled.

"It's Dante!!" Several of the older girls practically swooned on the spot.

"Sailor Moon!" The younger girls were jumping up and down.

Chris blushed slightly while Rebecca went over to greet her fan club. In the meantime the doors opened a second time producing a rather tall…

"TIGGER!!!"

Every kid under the age of ten, which added up to six, screamed with delight and wrapped their arms around the 6'4" Tigger. Despite wearing a fake head Chris knew exactly who was wearing the costume and it took all his restraint to keep from bursting out in laughter.

"Wow, Captain you're late." Jill was trying not to laugh and you could easily tell. "Nice outfit."

"Not one word Redfield, not one single word."

Chris nodded, still trying to contain his laughter. Meanwhile the kids were pulling on Wesker's arms and begging him to hurry up. Groaning rather loudly Wesker escorted the kids outside. Chris and Jill quickly rounded up the kids and herded them outside.

Two hours later…

Wesker was so sick of this stupid costume it wasn't even funny. Besides being hot and stuffy he was sick and tired of being assaulted by four foot midgets. Not to mention all the _cute_ comments he was getting from the houses they visited. If he had to hear one more time about how adorable he looked he was gonna hurl.

He checked his watch, another thirty minutes and his pain would be over. He only hoped the mysterious photographer wasn't around to snap a picture of him dressed like this.

"Uncle Wes…come on!!" Several children grabbed him by the arms and pulled him down the street.

"Someone shoot me." he mumbled stumbling to keep up.

"Ahhh!! Thief!"

Wesker's head snapped up and he came to a sudden stop. A woman was standing in front of a shop yelling and pointing at a man running in the other direction. The man was dressed in a black coat, torn jeans, and just happened to be carrying a large bag.

"Rebecca, Forest, Richard, Brad, watch the kids!" Wesker pulled away from his admirers and ran after the perpetrator. "Chris, Jill, come with me!"

Wesker broke into a run, trying to pull at the zipper so he could get to his gun. Unfortunately the damn thing was stuck, flashbacks of his undercover gig with Chris ran through his mind. Two feet from the perp, he dove knocking the guy to the pavement.

"Ah shit!! I'm being attacked by cartoon character!"

"Shut-up. You have the right to remain silent…"

Chris and Jill showed up seconds later and handcuffed the perp for him. A few seconds after that Wesker's admirers showed up cheering like a fan club on crack.

"Ya for Tigger!!"

Wesker groaned hoping no one knew who he was…

The arrest made front page news_. **Tigger Arrests Local Thug in Bakery Robbery!** _Right under the headline was a picture of Wesker sitting on the perp's back. Under the picture was caption:

Officer Albert Wesker was responsible for arresting a man accused of robbing a bakery only seconds before. The Captain was dressed as Tigger for the annual R.P.D. 'Outing for Children'.

The paper might not have gotten the picture if Brad hadn't been around with his trusty camera. Wesker spent the next week hiding out in his office…


	8. Crying Kids and Stranded Cats

A/N: Anyone notice I seem to enjoy torturing Wesker the most??

The day hadn't started out well and it was only getting worse by the minute. First he'd overslept, then his car wouldn't start, and now it was raining. Could this day get any worse?!

"Hey Captain!"

Wesker groaned, he knew that voice only too well. He stopped, turning slightly, as Chris came running up to him umbrella in hand. Wesker was already soaked to bone, his apartment was six blocks from the station.

"Sir, it there a reason don't have an umbrella?"

"Because it wasn't raining when I started walking!" Wesker snapped and started walking again.

"Geez don't get all cranky." Chris shook his head walking along side. "I thought you had a car."

"Wouldn't start."

Chris sighed, Wesker sulked and they both walked toward the station. Two blocks later, and with the R.P.D. in sight, the day got even worse for Wesker. A little girl, no more than six, dressed in a rain slicker and holding an umbrella was standing next a tree crying. Wesker winced slightly, he hated kids. Chris, however, didn't and walked over to see what was wrong. Despite wanting to run from the scene like a rabbit on crack Wesker stuck around to see what was going on. It certainly wouldn't look good if he took off and something was seriously wrong.

"Hey kid, why so glum?" Chris kneeled down, getting eye level with the crying child.

The little girl sniffled a bit and looked up at Chris. She seemed to contemplate whether or not she should talk to him, but she finally relented when she saw Chris' badge clipped to his belt.

"My kitty is stuck." She pointed up to the tree.

Chris turned to look up and Wesker too glanced upwards. Sitting on limb was a scruffy looking white cat. Wesker shook his head, kids and cats neither of which he was particularly fond of.

"Mommy says the police help people." The girl sniffed, starting to tear up again. "Will you help my kitty?"

"Of course _we _will." Chris ruffled the young girl's hair.

Wesker gagged, how the hell had he gotten drug into this? Chris stood up and looked around. Wesker shook his head nervously running his hand through his soaked hair. All he could hope for was that Chris would be a macho asshole and try to rescue the cat on his own.

"Hey Captain I don't see anything one of us can stand on, looks like we'll have to improvise."

__

Shit

"And what exactly do you have in mind?" This did not bode well for him.

"Well if you stand on my shoulders I think you can reach the cat." Chris smiled.

"Why am I the one grabbing the cat?"

"Well sir my shoulders are a bit broader and your arms are longer than mine." Chris shrugged. "But hey if you want me to stand on your shoulders makes no difference."

Wesker groaned again. This whole day was just getting worse and worse. He ran a hand through his hair again, several strands fell in his eyes. He glanced at the kid, who was looking at him like some kind of lost puppy. He threw his hands up in defeat and walked over to the tree.

"You drop me I swear…"

"No worries sir." Chris smirked. "I doubt you weigh that much."

Chris bent down a bit, lacing his fingers together. Wesker sighed one last time and stepped into his cupped hands then onto Chris' shoulders. After a couple wobbly seconds Chris managed to get his feet planted and grabbed the back of Wesker's calves.

Wesker stretched out reaching for the cat. The thing hissed at him and retreated further along the branch. Wesker frowned stretching as far as he could and finally snagged the cat's tail. After that all hell broke loose…

"Ahhh! Get it off!"

Wesker batted at the cat as it literally started climbing him. Chris stumbled a bit as Wesker fought with the cute little kitten now turned hellcat.

"Captain, hold still!!"

"I'm trying!"

Somehow the cat slipped into the front of Wesker's uniform shirt. Wesker's eyes widened as the cat clawed its way around his chest and back. In desperation he pulled the shirt out of his pants, the cat fell out and landed on Chris' head.

"Shit!"

Chris stumbled, Wesker slipped, and everything came crashing down. The cat made a flying leap and landed in the little girl's arms. Chris managed to keep from falling but he did loose his grip on Wesker. Wesker toppled forward, his face heading straight for the concrete sidewalk. Luckily for him Chris was quick on his feet and managed to catch him before he became street pizza.

So there they were. Chris holding Wesker like he was about to carry him over the threshold, and the kid holding her cat. All of them sopping wet. Wesker was covered in cat scratches and his hair was hanging in his face. Somewhere in the middle of the fiasco Wesker lost his sunglasses which got trampled by Chris in his effort to keep the captain from hitting the ground. The little girl in the meantime was looking at the two men like they'd just saved a whole family from a burning building

"Thank you Mr. Policemen!" She smiled, cuddling the kitten. "And Albert thanks you too!"

Chris glanced at Wesker, who he still happened to be holding. "That's ironic."

"Shut up Redfield."

And as it usually does a picture wound up tacked on the bulletin board a day later of Chris holding Wesker like a little kid. Apparently Brad had been walking to work as well…


	9. Inside Resident Evil 4

****

Welcome everyone to this special CBS exclusive. Today we send in three of Umbrella's best scientists to discover the truth behind Capcom's latest Resident Evil Game! Now let's meet the experts, already on location in front of the Capcom offices…

"Hello I am William Birkin." Birkin smiles a bit and clears his throat. "To my left is Dr. Albert Wesker, formerly of Umbrella but now our sworn enemy."

Wesker smirks and adjust his glasses. "I despise Umbrella. The only thing I despise more than Umbrella is Chris Redfield."

"Uh…right. Anyway, to my right is Dr. James Marcus. Also a former Umbrella employee."

Dr. Marcus grins sadistically while petting a leech. "I despise Umbrella. The only thing I despise more than Umbrella is Wesker and Birkin."

Birkin shakes his head, rubbing at his temples and mumbling. "For this I was brought back from the dead?"

"Humph…no one asked you to come back from the dead, now did they?" Marcus smiles again, still petting his leech.

"Oh shut up Marcus." Wesker snaps, glaring. "I wouldn't be the one talking about coming back from the dead you know. You're the one who turned into a freaking Queen Leech just so you could get revenge on Umbrella!"

"Oh yea?! Well at least I wasn't the one who got bitch slapped by a girl!" Marcus giggled to himself.

"Ok, it's on now!"

Wesker made a step toward Marcus, Birkin quickly stepped between the two men. "Can't we all just get along?!"

"NO!" Birkin and Marcus said in unison.

Um…guys we're live…maybe we could actually get back to the job at hand?

The three men looked at each other and finally nodded, despite the fact that Marcus and Wesker still looked ready to kill each other. Birkin sighed with relief and headed inside the building, Marcus and Wesker followed glaring at each other.

After a brief argument with the receptionist they were sent to the third floor. One quick elevator ride later found them smack dab in the middle of where the game was being created. Birkin thought it sorta looked like hell only with cubicles.

People were running around looking like the world was about to end. Several others liked like zombies, probably the result of sleep deprivation. And a few more looked to be having caffeine highs.

"Well, this is certainly strange." Birkin observed, stepping over one of the beta testers who'd passed out on the floor. "I wonder where Hiroyuki Kobayashi is?"

"Make way, coming through!!"

Birkin scrambled out of the way as a wild looking man came running down the hallway carrying several large files and a couple game cube controllers. Marcus too stepped aside, unfortunately Wesker wasn't paying much attention and got run over and knocked into a nearby cubicle. There was a loud crash as several pieces of computer equipment toppled over and landed on his head. Birkin dashed over and leaned his head inside.

"Albert are you alright?"

"Ah who cares, he's useless any way." Marcus snapped poking at the passed out beta tester with a rolled up magazine.

The debris shifted slightly and Wesker's head popped up above the mess. He glared at Marcus then turned his attention to Birkin.

"William would you mind moving aside for a moment?"

Birkin shrugged but moved a few feet to his right.

"Thank you."

Suddenly a CPU came flying out of the cubicle and crashed into the back of Marcus' head. Marcus flopped forward, landing on top of the passed out beta tester. Meanwhile Wesker climbed out of the debris and dusted off his combat uniform.

"Albert you have some serious anger management issues."

Wesker shrugged as a second man came running down through the room. This time, however, Wesker was able to snag him by the collar.

"Which way to Hiroyuki Kobayashi's office?"

The man pointed to the right and was set free to continue his wild run through the building. Birkin sighed ad headed for the office. They tapped on the door.

"Come in!"

Birkin pushed the door open and now stood face to face with RE 4's producer.

"Ah welcome , welcome!!" Kobayashi came bounding from behind his desk. "I'm so pleased to see you! And I will now answer all your questions about RE 4!"

****

Due to copyright laws and the fact that Capcom is notoriously sneaky about their games we are unable to show you this portion of the fic. We apologize for any inconvenience…

Birkin and Wesker left the office looking particularly happy with themselves.

"Wow that game looks awesome, even if I'm not in it." Wesker grinned like an idiot.

"Yea I expect it to suck without Umbrella involved."

Suddenly Marcus came from out of nowhere and tackled Wesker, beating him repeatedly with a copy of Devil May Cry 2. Birkin sighed rolling his eyes.

****

Thank you for tuning in to this CBS special! Pleas have a good night!

__

Several readers now turn to each other looking dumb struck.

"I think we got duped."

"Yea…that didn't tell us anything about Resident Evil 4."

"I wonder if she meant to do that?"

"Probably."

A/N: I'm so evil aren't I?


	10. The Morning After

Albert Wesker groaned softly and cracked open an eye. Luckily the blinds were drawn otherwise he'd have gotten a blinding flash of sunlight right in his face, which would more than likely have worsened his already abnormally large headache. He groaned at the pain in his head and pushed himself into a sitting position, which wasn't exactly easy tangled up in the sheets such as he was. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to massage the pain out of head and remember just what the hell had happened last night.

He could remember going to the party and as a result drinking a lot more than he normally would have. Other than that it was pretty hazy. He sighed and looked up, letting his eyes trail over the floor. His coat and shoes were laying next to the door, followed by a shirt, a sock, a bra, his pants, the cumber bun…

A bra??!!

Wesker switched gears for a moment and reversed his sightseeing tour of the strewn clothes until his eyes fell back on the bra, which was laying directly on top of what appeared to be a rather expensive and extremely elegant green dress. He squinted a bit trying to clear his vision and make sure that the item, or perhaps _items _would be the better term, was indeed a bra. Black, lacy…actually it appeared to be a strapless bra. Either way it was still a piece of female paraphernalia. Now the bra certainly did not belong to him, which would lead one to ascertain that the bra belonged to someone else. Of course this line of thinking would also lead one to ascertain that the bra's owner had been his guest last night and could in fact still be somewhere in his apartment.

A slight and extremely feminine yawn only reinforced his earlier suspicions. A slim hand fell lightly on his shoulder and something nuzzled his ear, causing our esteemed Wesker to suddenly go rigid.

"Morning Albie." The girl threw her other arm around his waist, and nuzzled even closer. "How are you this morning?"

"I have a headache." Wesker's voice was rather hoarse, but due to shock or the drinking binge was a matter of opinion. "How are you?"

"Mmmm…wonderful." Lightly she ran her fingers through his hair. "But the big question is whether you remember anything that happened last night or not."

Despite having the worst hangover in years and not being able to remember the young woman's name, he was starting to remember just what the hell had happened last night. To put it shortly it involved a lot of booze, a boring party, and from the condition of his apartment a bit of 'extra curricular' activities. Some very kinky 'extra curricular' activities, if the half empty can of Redi-Whip on the floor and his handcuffs hanging from the head board were any indication.

****

BAM…BAM…BAM…

Wesker's eyes snapped to the door. Someone was pissed and the only thought Wesker was able to put together was to ask the girl if she was 18.

"Oh my." The girl leaned back a bit. "I think that might be my brother."

Brother was good, as far as Wesker was concerned. Angry brother he could deal with, he'd been a bit more worried about an angry husband. Suddenly the door flew open, slamming into the wall and a small end table. Several things crashed to the floor, including Wesker's car keys, cell phone, and sunglasses. As the irate relative came into view, Wesker's jaw joined the rest of the items on the floor.

"Oh shit…"

****

The Night Before…

… 

Wesker downed another glass of champagne and edged a little closer to the wall. The place was decorated and rather swanky. It would have to be considering the Mayor was the one responsible for the state Wesker now found himself in. He hated parties and Christmas parties even more. Practically the entire R.P.D. had been invited to this idiotic farce, which included the entire S.T.A.R.S. team. And if things could not be worse, it was a formal party.

Wesker pulled at the black bow tie a bit and snatched up yet another drink as one of the waiters scurried by. He hated wearing a damn tux, but he wasn't exactly given much choice in the matter. At least he'd been able to retain his sunglasses, despite the mayor's wife's best efforts to remove them. As he downed the champagne in one swallow he at least figured the evening couldn't get much worse.

"Ah Wesker!"

Wesker groaned as Chief Irons pushed his way through the crowd towards his hiding spot. He had hoped to avoid the idiot all night but had finally been cornered. It took all of five minutes for Irons to start talking and two minutes for Wesker to start tuning him out and turn his attention to the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team.

Richard was attempting to dance with Rebecca, who despite being eighteen was pretty drunk at the moment. It wasn't going very well either. Every forth or fifth step he wound up stomping on her foot, not that Rebecca seemed to be noticing in her condition. Brad was attempting to hit on the Mayor's daughter and failing miserably at it. Barry was with a couple guys from the S.W.A.T. team, undoubtedly discussing some kind of firearm. Kenneth and Birkin were having a rather heated discussion. Wesker smirked a bit, from the looks of things whatever they were arguing about Birkin was losing. Joseph and Forest were near the buffet and looked to be stealing everything that even remotely looked edible. Enrico had been cornered by the Mayor's wife and looked almost ready to put a gun to his head, Wesker could sympathize. Kevin and Edward were standing near several of the city council members and from the look of the hand gestures were trying to describe something about a helicopter. Jill and Chris were no where to be found, though Wesker suspected just what they might be up to.

After managing to nod in all the right places Wesker was saved from further torture when Irons finally spotted someone else to agitate and hurried off. In the meantime Wesker downed several more glasses of alcoholic beverage, and was just getting a rather nice warm and fuzzy feeling, when he spotted Jill, Chris, and another young woman in a green off the shoulder formal. Wesker raised an eyebrow as the threesome made their way toward him, the girl looked awful young to him probably no older than Rebecca.

"Captain!" Jill waved at him and elbowed Chris. "I told you he was still here."

"Not if I could help it." Wesker mumbled, snagging yet another glass of champagne.

"Captain I'd like you to meet my sister." Chris beamed, giving the young lady a slight nudge.

Despite being almost drunk, Wesker could immediately see the family resemblance. The girl smiled held out her hand. Deciding that since it was Christmas he could at least try to act nice, Wesker shook the girl's outstretched hand.

"Albert Wesker."

"Claire Redfield." She smiled again and glanced toward the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?"

"Ah…"

"Of course he would!"

Jill practically knocked him over pushing him toward Claire. Finally Wesker relented and escorted the girl onto the dance floor, figuring it would be better to get this over quickly and be done with it so people would just leave him alone long enough to attain the blind drunken state he was so desperately trying to achieve. Wesker carefully placed a hand on her waist and took her right hand in his. The music was a rather interesting love song with zero lyrics. However Wesker was more concerned with not stepping on the poor woman's toes, it would appear that standing in one spot for over an hour and drinking over a dozen glasses of champagne was not a good thing. He was lucky he could see straight right let alone dance and it didn't help that she was several inches shorter than him.

"Is there a reason you wear sunglasses indoors?"

"Well, ah…"

"Do you mind?"

Before he could reply she reached up and took the glasses off. She smiled at him then tucked the glasses into his coat pocket. Now, despite being an evil bastard, Wesker actually smiled back. Of course in his present state it was a pretty stupid looking grin. Meanwhile on the sidelines Jill was giggling like a school girl on crack.

"Don't they look cute together? She even got his sunglasses off." Jill giggled again, elbowing Chris in the chest. "Imagine Wesker as your brother in law."

Chris' eyes widened a bit at that thought. "I'm trying not to. Besides, he's like twenty years older than her!"

"Age doesn't matter when it comes to love." Jill sighed as Wesker and Claire continued to dance.

The dance ended and Wesker attempted to flee back to his wall, but was stopped as Claire drug him through the crowd and into the Hotel's bar.

"Now then, we can talk." She smiled mischievously and ordered a bottle of tequila. "Drink?"

****

Several dozen shots of tequila later…

Wesker barked out a laugh, his arm slung around Claire's shoulder. Claire smiled back, helping Wesker stagger back into the ball room. Several people stared at them as they made their way across the floor toward the front doors of the hotel. Claire had a bit of a problem getting the door open but managed it. They both traipsed outside, it was snowing again.

"You're reeeeeeely nice." Wesker grinned stupidly slurring his words like a dollar drunk.

Claire giggled. "Thank you Albie."

"Albie??"

Claire turned slightly to see Jill and Chris standing behind them. Finding that Claire had turned her attention away from him, Wesker flopped his head around to look behind him.

"Why it's Chris and Jill!" Wesker plastered another stupid grin on his face. "Fancy meeting you here!"

"Ah…" Jill cocked her head and leaned a bit closer to Chris, whispering. "You know I have the distinct feeling he's drunk."

"Geez, ya think?" Chris sighed, running a hand over his face. "Sir, you're not planning to drive are you?"

"Of course, I'm not drunk!"

Wesker smiled again took two steps forward and fell face first in the snow. Claire quickly pulled him to his feet and easily liberated him of his car keys.

"I'll drive him home."

"Ok!" Jill winked at Claire and forcibly pulled Chris back into the party.

"Hrmm…now where's my car?" Wesker squinted, trying to locate his Impala. "I don't see it."

Claire sighed and hit the alert button on the key chain. In the middle of several dozen cars Wesker's car blinked.

"Doesn't look like we'll be able to get it out."

"Thas ok, my apartment is only a block from here." Wesker flashed Claire a lopsided grin and pointed to the left. "Onward!"

Claire snickered. "Follow you anywhere sir."

****

20 minutes later…

Despite almost getting lost Claire somehow managed to Wesker up the two floors to his apartment. Claire had a bit of a hard time trying to keep Wesker standing and unlocking the door. However when she tried to open the door, she stumbled slightly and Wesker bumped into their their faces only inches apart.

"You're pretty." Wesker smiled, leaned in and kissed her. "Wanna come in?"

****

Present Time…

"You son of a bitch!!" Chris was so angry his face was turning seven shades of crimson. "YOU CORRUPTED AND SEDUCED MY BABY SISTER!!!!!"

Wesker was used to fighting with hunters, zombies, and other bio-enhanced freaks of nature. Dealing with an irate brother that was sober and pissed was entirely new to him. Though Wesker wasn't exactly weak, he did have a hangover and was at least ten years older than Chris. Wesker held up his hands, trying to pacify the angry sibling.

"Uh…it's not what it looks like."

"Well to be honest Chris, I seduced him." Claire smile and Wesker groaned.

Chris' mood did not improve by this statement, if anything he got angrier. Before anything more could be said Chris bridged the gap between himself and Wesker. To his credit Wesker tried to get away but was hopelessly tangled in the sheets. His head snapped to the side and he hit the floor with a resounding thud. Chris was on him in seconds hands wrapped around Wesker's throat.

"I'm gonna kill you!!"

To _her_ credit Claire remained perfectly calm. She scooted off the bed and went in search of a way to stop the fight.

"Really…it's…not…as…bad…as…it…looks…" Wesker coughed, trying to pry Chris' fingers off his throat.

"Oh yea, the handcuffs certainly make me feel better!!"

****

Ka-blam…

Chris stopped his throttling and turned to look behind him. Claire was holding Wesker's 9mm in her hand. Wesker turned his head a bit to see a bullet hole in his wall. Claire smirked, holding the sheets with one hand and the gun with the other.

"Now, we are going to talk about this calmly like normally human beings or I _will_ start shooting."

****

Two Days Later…

Wesker walked down the hallway, happy that the sunglasses were hiding his black eye. With Claire pointing a gun at them the two men had somehow come to an understanding. Wesker had been extremely happy to find out that Claire was over eighteen. Wesker and Chris hadbeen treading on egg shells since she'd gone back to collage yesterday. Thought o be honest he wouldn't mind seeing her again, she was a pretty nice girl.

That wish would be granted on Rockfort Island. Though to Claire it was only a one night stand, hence the reason she got beat about the head and shoulders by Wesker. Poor guy…she broke his heart…


	11. Faxes and Memos and Paperwork

A/N: Been a while, but I finally came up with a kool idea…hope you like it!

**

* * *

**

**At the R.P.D…**

Albert Wesker drummed his fingers heavily on the desk, his mood darkening with every minute that passed. He had better things he could be doing than sitting in the S.T.A.R.S. office. One of which was _not_ listening to William Birkin rustle papers on the other end of a phone line.

Albert Wesker drummed his fingers heavily on the desk, his mood darkening with every minute that passed. He had better things he could be doing than sitting in the S.T.A.R.S. office. One of which was listening to William Birkin rustle papers on the other end of a phone line. 

Birkin was perhaps the most brilliant scientist Umbrella employed. However, he was single-handedly the most disorganized individual Wesker had ever met when it came to paperwork.

Wesker finally ran out of patience after the third mumbling of, _I've been looking for that_, followed by a long pause and more rustling.

"William, it is 95 degrees in this office. You are well aware how much I despise the heat." Wesker's tone was clipped and cool. "When you find whatever it is that demands my attention…FAX IT TO ME!"

Several blocks away, deep under Raccoon City…

Birkin blinked several times, as the dial tone buzzed in his ear. He was so totally amazed that Albert hand hung up on him, that for a moment he wasn't quite sure what to do. After the initial shock wore off, he frowned deeply and dropped the receiver back on the cradle.

This action caused a large pile of papers near the phone to shift and finally slide to the floor, to join an even larger pile of papers. In fact the entire area surrounding Birkin's desk was covered with memo's, reports, notes, and file folders. The filing cabinet behind his desk was just as disorganized. Papers were jammed into the drawers without any sign of order and the bottom drawer was so full of paperwork that it wouldn't even shut. The desk was just as bad, covered with so much paperwork that you couldn't even see the desk itself.

Birkin didn't seem bothered by the mess. After another twenty minutes of digging he finally located the requisition memo he'd been looking for. He spun his chair around toward the fax machine and contemplated it for several minutes. Finally he relented and read the user manual. He placed the paper in the tray, glanced at the manual, then hit the send button.

For a second it appeared as if the machine was going to cooperate…

****

...crunch…sploit…

Birkin arched an eyebrow as the memo he'd been trying to send become lodged in the fax machine. Glancing at the user manual he carefully removed the paper, repositioned it, and pushed the send button again…

****

…urrrrrrrr…sploit…

Birkin glared at the machine and once again repositioned the paper and hit the send button…

****

…grrrrr…sploit…

Birkin's eyes widened as the fax machine began to _eat_ his memo. He grabbed the paper, trying to wrench it out of the machine. There was a tug of war for perhaps a full minute before the fax machine was finally victorious.

****

…riiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppp…

Birkin looked at what was left of his memo, a two inch square, then turned his scientific mind back to the fax machine. His face was flushed and his watered down blue eyes looked unusually sharp and dark…

****

In the hallway outside the office…

Annette glanced at the clipboard in her hand. She was bound for the B-3 lab, intent to run a test on the vaccine synthesis when a loud commotion caught her attention. She looked up, her eyes immediately falling on her husband's office, just two doors down from where she stood.

Her heart leapt to her throat, as a loud yell reverberated through the hallway, followed by some crashing noises. She dropped the clipboard, running toward the office. Her immediate fear was that Dr. Wesker had come to the labs unannounced as was now abusing her poor husband.

She burst through the door and came to a skidding halt, dumbstruck by the scene before her.

William was standing over what was left of a fax machine, one of the filing cabinet drawers held over his head. Pieces of the fax machine already lay on the floor at his feet and most of the paperwork from both his desk and the filing drawer lay on the floor, just a small addition to the already growing pile of paper that normally littered her husband's work area.

"You evil piece of machinery!" William swung the drawer into the fax machine, shattering the already cracked casing. "I'll show you who's boss!"

Annette slowly backed out the door, shutting it softly behind her. She had no intention of finding out what had caused the attack on the fax machine, nor put a stop to it. She knew better than to say anything to William when it concerned computers, fax machines, paperwork, or phones.

She retrieved her clipboard from the floor and proceeded on her way, leaving William to his destruction…

****

Back at the R.P.D…

Wesker was just heading out the door when the phone rang. He growled and grabbed the receiver, leaning up against the side of his desk.

"Captain Wesker." He snapped. "This had better be good. I have…"

"Shut up Albert!" Birkin sounded more than a bit angry. "I don't care what you have to do you are going to write this down or so help me I will do something unnatural to you!"

Wesker's mouth dropped open. He had never heard Birkin this upset before and Birkin had never, ever, dared speak to him this way.

"Birkin, I told you…"

"I just said to shut up!" Birkin snapped, his voice almost a growl. "You said fax the memo…the damn fax machine ate the damn memo! So now you are going sit your little blonde ass down and write out this requisition I need! Are we understood?"

Wesker was so shocked he actually stared at the phone. Finally he relented and sat down at his desk, pulling a piece of paper toward him and grabbing pen.

"Alright William, what do you need?"

"First I need…uh…well…hold on I got to find the copy of the memo."

Wesker's hand tightened on the pen, snapping it in half as the sound of paper rustling floated over the phone…

All in all Wesker was on the phone for over two hours before finding out that Birkin's memo was nothing more than a requisition for thirteen cases of toilet paper and several reams of printer paper.

It was the first and last time Wesker ever, _EVER, _took a memo for Birkin…


	12. Anger Management

Wesker was not pleased, in fact he was downright pissed off. Of course getting pissed off is what had lead him to being here in the first place. In retrospect, trying to strangle a reporter with his own tie had not been the best of ideas, even if it had felt really good at the time.

The whole incident had started at a Press Conference called by Chief Irons. The main topic of the conference had been about the continued support of S.T.A.R.S. and whether or not Raccoon City actually still needed a team. Truth be told, Wesker couldn't figure out what they had been crying about. After all, Umbrella was footing the bill for the team's equipment. Really all the R.P.D., and subsequent taxpayers, had to pay for was the team's salary.

Wesker did not want to be there, but Irons had insisted. Saying it wouldn't look good for S.T.A.R.S. or the R.P.D. if he didn't put in an appearance. Unfortunately, Irons forgot to take Wesker's sometimes volatile temper into account. Most of the time Wesker was calm, cool, and collected. But there were those few moments where he snapped and tried to, say…strangle someone with their own tie.

Funny thing was, Wesker could remain calm under even the most difficult of situations. It was just strange little things that would set him off. Wesker had once beat a man into unconsciousness with a trash can for throwing a gum wrapper on the ground. Gun fights and zombie outbreaks he could take in stride, when it came to littering he lost it.

So it was really a very minor thing that lead to the near strangulation of a reporter. In fact, everything had been moving along fine until one of the reporters made the mistake of making a snide remark about Wesker's sunglasses. Everything had sort of gone to hell from that point on. Wesker had dove over Irons' desk, tackled the irritating reporter to the ground, and proceeded to try and strange him. It had taken the combined efforts of Chris, Richard, Brad, and three patrolmen to restrain Wesker. Irons quickly tried to regain face by explaining Wesker's outburst as stress.

Three days later the newspaper, where the reporter was employed, threaten to sue the R.P.D. if something wasn't done about their crazy S.T.A.R.S. captain. Irons, left with little options considering that Umbrella wouldn't let him fire Wesker, decided the best thing to do would be to suspend him without pay for a week and have him undergo some mandatory psychiatric training. The long and short of it was, Wesker had to go to Anger Management classes.

And that is why Wesker currently found himself, sitting in a brightly lit classroom, sounded by three other _students_, trying not to utterly and completely lose his mind. Of course the appearance of Mr. Daniels, the so called psychiatrist and patriarch of this little class, had not put Wesker's mind at ease in the slightest.

Upon setting eyes on Mr. Daniels, Wesker had immediately come to the conclusion that he was a reject from the 60s and was probably suffering the after affects of acid flashbacks. The cream colored peasant shirt, roman style sandals, and loose Dockers Daniels was wearing wasn't helping Wesker's opinion either.

"Alright then." Daniels cast the class a paternal smile as he stood near the erase-a-board at the front of the room. "All of you are here because you've had some slight problems with your temper. That is alright, everyone has a momentary loss of control. I'm going to teach you how to harness your anger and apply it toward more constructive avenues of expression."

There was a universal groan from three of the four students present, Wesker had already fallen asleep.

"Now, I want each of you to stand and tell us about yourselves." Daniels smiled again. "What act of unrestrained anger brought you here?"

The first person to stand was a young slim woman, with short dark brown hair. She carefully smoothed out her expensive dress crimson dress skirt and jacket before speaking.

"My name is Ann Collins and I work for a small office building downtown. I uh…" Ann looked away shyly before continuing. "…completely dismantled then stomped on the copy machine at work."

Daniels nodded sympathetically as Ann took her seat. The next person to stand was a short pudgy little man, with thick coke bottle glasses, and a balding head.

"My name is Robert Black. I uh, that is, I'm the janitor at the High School. I uh, blew up the toilets in the Boy's bathroom."

Robert hastily took his seat, blushing a bright crimson. The third student to stand was a rather tall pale young woman, with medium length ash brown hair.

"My name is Debbie Erickson and I work in the Umbrella office buildings downtown. I uh…threw a coffeepot out the window, followed by an office chair, two CPUs, and three laptops."

Their was a audible gasp from those present. Apparently they seemed to think that Debbie's was the worst show of anger thus far. Boy, weren't they in for a surprise.

As Debbie took her seat, Daniels turned his attention to the still sleeping Wesker. After a few seconds, Daniels prodded Wesker in the shoulder with his index finger, clucking to himself about the man's appearance and lack of interest. I'm not sure if it was the ensemble of black tee-shirt, black jeans, black sunglasses, slick backed hair, and black dress boots that was causing the clucking, or just the fact that Wesker was snoring.

"Do wake up sir."

Wesker cracked open an eye and hastily composed himself. Sighing heavily, he got to his feet and cleared his throat.

"My name is Albert Wesker and I am Captain of the R.P.D. S.T.A.R.S. unit. I tried to strangle a reporter with his own tie."

He then sat back down, seemingly unaware of the stares he was getting. A second later the silent room was filled with scraping sounds as the three other students slide their chairs away from him. Wesker was not particularly surprised either.

"Alrighty then." Daniels clapped his hands, getting the student's attention. "Now then, let's talk about why we got angry, shall we? Ann, why did you hurt that poor defenseless copy machine?"

"It ate my reports." Ann seemed to get riled just thinking about it. "I had to fax this report to another office and the machine just ate it!"

Wesker made and audible _harrumph _sound and rolled his eyes as Ann broke down crying. Daniels quickly comforted the distraught woman, casting glares at Wesker in the process.

"There, there Ann, it's alright. I'm sure that the copy machine doesn't take it personally. Debbie, why don't you go next?"

"Well, I was supposed to get this raise at work, but instead they gave the job to Alicia." Debbie's hands tightened into fists and her eyes looked a bit glazed over. "Sweet little Alicia, with the perfect body and sweet little smile!"

Wesker was actually chuckling to himself as Daniels calmed Debbie down. By this time, even the sweet natured Daniels was becoming a little irate.

"Albert, perhaps you would like to go next?"

Wesker's chuckles ended abruptly and his mouth turned into a grim line. Remember when we talked about him snapping over little things? Well getting called by his first name by an almost complete stranger was one of his pet peeves, along with littering, double parking, and scratched CDs.

"I'd prefer not to."

"Now, now, Albert, don't be shy." Daniels patted Wesker reassuringly on the shoulder. "We're not here to judge you."

"He made fun of my sunglasses."

You could cut the silence with a knife. Seconds later the room was filled with laughter, as Daniels doubled over, tears coming out of his eyes. Wesker was not pleased, to say the least.

"I'm sorry Albert." Daniels composed himself, still chuckling. "I think I understand your problems. You crave attention, hence the thug like clothing. You don't want to be part of the crowd, you want to stand out. You…"

Daniels was cut off as Wesker jumped him…

A week later, Wesker was back at work. Seemingly a bit more mellow then before the incident with the reporter. This was of course due in part to the fact that said reporter was now a T-Virus experiment and his Anger Management teacher was in the hospital with a broken arm, three broken ribs, and a severely wrenched neck…


	13. The Valentine's Special!

A/N: It's a Valentine's special…do I really need to say more???

* * *

It was a beautiful day in Raccoon City, perfect for Valentine's Day. In fact the week leading up to Valentine's day had been positively gorgeous. Usually February in Raccoon, was miserable. The days came in two varieties, cold and rainy or cold and snowy. But this week had been clear and sunny, while the temperatures had hovered in the mid seventies.

So it wasn't any wonder that the flower stores had been busier than usual and candy sales had gone through the roof, breaking previous February records. This beautiful weather had put everyone in a fine Valentine's mood…well maybe not _everyone…_

"Stupid hearts, stupid flowers, stupid candy…STUPID VALENTINE'S DAY!!"

The entire lobby of officers, secretaries, and assorted civilians turned and stared. Wesker, who didn't even realize he'd spoken out loud, turned a bright shade of red and quickly exited. As he marched up to his office, ignoring the stares from the officers who had heard his commotion a second ago, he grumbled to himself.

Wesker hated Valentine's Day, ever since his heart had been broken in third grade by Mary-Ann McKinney. Seeing as how Wesker was now in his thirties…that's a whole lot of hating. He never celebrated the holiday and choose to ignore and/or pummel anyone who tried. So, needless to say, it was quite a shock when he walked into the S.T.A.R.S. office and saw a dozen roses sitting on his desk

Besides being very smart and a very crafty, Wesker was also very distrustful of everything and anything. I mean this is the same man that attacked his paperboy for six months before finally believing that the poor thirteen-year-old was only delivering his paper and not trying to deposit letter bombs on his doorstep. Needless to say, Wesker approached the flowers in much that same way one would approach a rabid wolverine.

After several minutes of inspecting the flowers, the vase, and his desk, he finally deemed the object safe to touch. Grimacing slightly, he plucked the card from it's holder in the mass of roses and opened the envelope.

_Dear Albert,_

_Won't you be my Valentine?_

_Love, Your Secret Admirer…_

Wesker read and reread the message several times, a blank look pasted on his normally calm and controlled face. While he was busy trying to discern who would be both bold and stupid enough to send him flowers, Jill walked into the office and headed for her desk.

"Ohhh!!"

Wesker visibly flinched at Jill's loud proclamation of glee. He cast a glance in her direction and saw her giggling over a large heart shaped box of candies.

"Isn't it sweet?" She crooned, waving a card at him. "Chris got me chocolates!"

"Yippee for you." Wesker muttered taking his seat. "Where is Redfield?"

"Picking up his usual bundle of goodies from his admirers."

Before Wesker could ask further, Chris stepped into the office, his arms full of various Valentine's gifts. Apparently many women in the precinct had crushes on our young hero, so his haul was rather large. Said haul included, three vases of flowers, five boxes of chocolates, and two dozen cards.

As Chris dumped his loot on his desk, he happened to notice Wesker's own little Valentine's present. A broad smile spread across his face as he walked over to the desk. It took a great amount of self-control for Wesker not to cringe at Chris' good humor.

"Wow Captain, who bought you the roses?"

As Wesker opened his mouth, Rebecca and Brad showed up. Like Chris, they too were toting Valentine's presents. In fact, it seemed everyone had presents…Wesker finally noticed that Jill too had a couple things on her desk besides Chris' present.

"Oh wow!" Rebecca snatched the card out of Wesker's hand before he could protest and read it aloud. "Mmmm, a secret admirer…how cute!"

While Wesker was trying to decide how best to escape from the situation, and Rebecca and Jill were giggling, there was a soft knock at the door.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for a Captain Wesker?"

Wesker slowly got to his feet as the messenger stepped into the office. When Wesker saw what he was holding he came to an immediate halt, his eyes widening. The messenger was actually a delivery boy and he was holding a large vase which held two dozen white roses and an exceptionally large box of candies.

"Happy Valentine's Day!"

The messenger handed a very confused Wesker his presents, turned on his heel, and walked out the door. While Wesker stood blinking, not quite sure what to do, Rebecca snatched the card off the flowers.

"Your admirer has struck again!"

Wesker set the flowers on the desk and sunk into his chair. With a total three dozen roses, two white and one red, plus the candies, Wesker expected his embarrassment was now complete…

**Several Hours Later…**

Wesker was not happy. His unhappiness was entirely due to the large amount of Valentine's crap now covering his desk and the floor surrounding it. The so called 'crap' had grown from three dozen roses and a box a chocolates to: another five dozen roses (in multiple colors), five more boxes of candies (including expensive French truffles), five teddy bears (including one that measured well over five feet high), twenty-two cards (including five that played music) and ten balloons. The final insult was the singing telegram that had just left, dropping a yet unopened card.

"Stupid Valentine's Day!"

By now, Rebecca and the others had begun to ignore his outbursts at every new gift that arrived. They had also, wisely, given up picking on him about it. While Wesker muttered under his breath, he opened the latest card.

_Dear Albert, _

_I'm waiting outside the station, wearing a red dress and holding a white rose. Won't you be my Valentine?_

_Love, Your Secret Admirer_

"Shit!"

Chris just barley got out of the way as Wesker blew out the door like someone was after him with a shotgun.

"What the hell was that about?"

"I think I know!" Rebecca sing-songed waving the card around like a flag. "Come on!!"

Wesker burst through the lobby doors, scaring the crap out of everyone standing on the sidewalk. It took him only three seconds to find the person responsible for his Valentine woes.

"Oh great…William is going to kill me…"

Standing on the sidewalk, wearing a red dress and holding a white rose was none other then Sherry Birkin. Behind him, Wesker could hear Rebecca and the others laughing at him…

**The following month…**

"Who the hell charged three thousand dollars to my American Express Card?!" William shouted, waving around his credit card bill. "On flowers and chocolates no less!!!"


End file.
